It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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