I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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