I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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