Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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