am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
