How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
