But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
