Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Of course I have a pirate flag
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
