you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
