The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
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