i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
