woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
