well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
