I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
