i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
