Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
