I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
