I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
