I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
