Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
