walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
