Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
