Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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