I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
