Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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