you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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