We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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