Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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