I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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