I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
