If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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