just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
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I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
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i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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