i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
