The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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