he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
