I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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