This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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