Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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