her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
