I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
