So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
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He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
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also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.