maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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