i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
