Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
