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Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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