Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
