I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
