just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
