You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
