I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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