your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
