She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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