I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
