dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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