Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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