If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
