my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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