just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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