You're my little dorito
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
How does one acquire holy water?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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