I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
